“Do You Have a People Pleaser Personality” written by Bren Koger.
“If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness, and, therefore, your excellence.” ~Unknown
People Pleaser Personality
I’m a typical middle child in that I like to make peace and I’m somewhat of a people pleaser.
I can’t help it, I like everyone to be happy and getting along.
prolonged conflict makes me uncomfortable and I will do whatever I need to do to make sure there is harmony.
It can become a balancing act to be loving and supportive while at the same time honoring your own time and values.
I really don’t like to be the source of irritation, disappointment so I’ve been willing go to great measures to please.
If this sounds like you then you could be a people pleaser too.
Let’s See If You Have The People Pleaser Personality
Take a look at the following questions…
- Do you find yourself going along with things others want to do? Or agree with something that does not sit right with you?
- Do you want everyone to like you?
- Do you worry about how people will react if you say no to them?
- Do people always come to you for favors or advice when they need you, but are not as apt to contact you when things are going well for them?
- Do you think you might not have any friends if you say no?
- Do you often hurt by others treatment but keep silent?
- Do you wonder if others are taking advantage of you –
- Do you avoid conflict with others and feel its a bad thing?
- Do you have a hard time recognizing the difference between being needed and being loved?
- Would you rather be dishonest than be the source of disapproval?
- Do you wonder why everyone treats you like shit when you’re so nice?
If you answered yes to more than three of these questions then you could be a people pleaser.
The goal is to be assertive and nice. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
You can say no.
If this sounds like something more than you can manage here are a few tips on how to say no from a recovering people pleaser.
Ask for details before you commit. It’s ok to get as much information as possible before you say “yes.”
I can remember so many times automatically saying “yes” when someone asks for a favor and then asking for details after. Then I would try to work it into my schedule. Ask for details first.
And then take some time to consider your own needs. Really think about if this something that works for you. It’s OK to take the time you need. Let them know you need some time to think about it and will get back to them. Then consider if it is something that you will be comfortable with and enjoy. That buffer of time is important and if someone insists on an answer immediately then just refuse.
Don’t Make Excuses
Don’t make excuses or lie about why you can’t do something. A simple “No” or I have plans is enough.
Or maybe you can tweak a request to make it—or part of it—manageable
You can suggest someone else, or offer an alternative solution
And if you change your mind after you say “No” then you have a right to let that person know you’ve changed your mind.
While it’s not good to be a pushover, it’s no better to be a bully
But Don’t Go Too Far
Don’t go too far the other way and become totally selfish just to prove a point.
We’re talking just good self-care skills which include healthy assertiveness skills.
Here is an exercise to help you along the road to a recovering people pleaser
The next time a group of people trying to decide on a movie or dinner think about what YOU want and voice an opinion. It may seem uncomfortable but it will be good practice. Really think about what you want and let people know. It may mean that the group decides on something you don’t want to do and you go along. That’s ok it’s the process of self-care and healthy assertiveness that is important.
You can listen to others, but ultimately, what you do is your choice. Keep a balance!
Sometimes the needs of other people should come first. Whenever there’s a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or better yet, a “win-win” situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.
If this was helpful please leave a comment below.
Love and Light,
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